Baby Steps for Mom

I've been doing the single-mom thing while Brian is in Japan doing an 8-week assignment for the Naval Reserve, and I just found out he will probably be gone for a year to Afghanistan in January (orders pending.) I don't know who I feel more sorry for--me or the kids, because one parent means there's no buffer! It's all me--just Mom, 24-7. No fun-time Dad or reinforcement Dad or public defender Dad, just moi. No "can you believe she said that?" or "will you talk to him?" or "aren't our kids the greatest?" (Which I need to say more, because they really are!) Just me.
I did this once before, when the kids were little--kindergarten and 2nd grade--and Brian was in Korea for 8 months. That was tough. I had always worked evenings and stayed home with the kids during the day, but when he left, I had to go to work full-time and put them in before and after school daycare for the first time in their lives. They both had behavior issues and I thought I was going to lose my mind...but we survived, just as I know we'll survive whatever the next year holds (actually, it's 360 days, but come on--that's like saying $49.99 isn't $50!)
Only this time I'm dealing with teenagers! (Okay, so Claire is 12, but as I said in my earlier blog, 12 is the new 13!) Over the past several months, they've been acting more and more like the stereotypical teens that question authority, try to get away with stuff, think their parents don't know anything, etc., etc. I have no idea when Keith's voice got so deep (he never went through the cracking voice phase), and now he's driving, too. Claire is almost as tall as me and is a roller coaster of emotions...Pheromone City!
I am not complaining; just pointing out that parenting them with two parents is challenging, let alone going solo. I have been going to a parents' discussion group for an excellent book called "A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children," and we have been studying how to (and not to) communicate with our kids. The group has been an eye-opener for me.
What have I learned? That I have been doing everything all wrong...for years. There are whole chapters of suggestions of which I have violated every single one at one time or another, many in the past five minutes! (Kidding!) For example, did you know that I'm not supposed to be sarcastic with my kids? And I guess I'm supposed to let them tell their side of the story and then think about it for awhile before I assign blame. And I'm supposed to empathize with them when they're suffering the 'natural consequences' of their behavior. Hmm...
We had a homework assignment last Monday--to write down one thing we'd like to try out of the book over the next week. I wrote "I would like to try to be more calm and think through what I am going to say." So, how am I doing?
Well...well, I don't honestly know how this week has compared to others because I just started paying close attention. (I know, I'm a little slow, but usually I am just winging it, and only because I'm reading this book have I been concentrating on the good, the bad, and the ugly of my motherhood.) Some snapshots:
On Wednesday I was leaving for Bible Study and I told Keith I wanted him to clean the kitchen before I got home (yes, my kids do chores, *gasp*), and he immediately started to question me as to why I was giving him a time limit, etc., etc. I calmly said, "I need you to do it and I'd like to have it done by the time I get home at 8:30. That gives you plenty of time and I'm sure you can get it done." I came home and it was done, and I thanked him and told him how refreshing it was for me to come home and see that. (Thanking the kids--it would seem to be a no-brainer, but something I'm sorely lacking in!)
On Thursday, Keith didn't bring his key to school, so he was locked out when he got off the bus. He called me and insisted that I come home and let him in, but I didn't. That's the natural consequence thing I'm learning about. Credit to me for not saying my usual refrain, "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." (Subtract points that I didn't say, "Gee, I can understand why you're disappointed about being locked out.") It was a nice day and I only had 45 minutes left of work, so no teenagers were harmed in the making of this story.
That night, I asked if they had homework, and got the usual, weak, "I'm not sure" answers. Claire asked me to help her study for a test, and as I was doing that, Keith "remembered" he had a test to review for, too. So they came up with the idea of asking one another questions, and they helped each other study. I complimented them on their idea and how nice it was that they were helping one another. (Compliments, too?!)
Friday, after our dental appointments, I was dropping Claire off at school and I said, "See ya--wouldn't wanna be ya," but immediately caught myself and said, "Um, I mean, 'have a nice day, Dear.'" She laughed. (Claire is very sarcastic herself and would never buy it if I turned into a Mary Poppins on her!)
Today, someone let the dog out and never let her back in, and she was gone for several hours and came home reeking of whatever green, slimy thing she'd rolled in. I told Keith I needed him to wash her (since he was the last one at the scene of the crime), and he said he wanted to tell me what happened so I'd understand why he shouldn't have to wash her. I listened, then I said, "Well, okay, but I really need you to take care of this" (because I was in the middle of doing a very unpleasant chore myself--sorting months worth of stinky recyclables in the garage), and he said--brace yourselves--"Okay," and did it!!!!
Baby steps...but I'll take them! If nothing else, I am glad that this single-parenting is forcing me to pay closer attention to how I communicate with my kids. They're worth trying to get it right, even after I've done it wrong for so long. I'm blessed to have such awesome kids!